My greatest fear after the divorce was final – was for my children and their future. I had been a homeschooling mom for 7 years and going through a divorce with the kids in the home felt…unhealthy. And I was concerned.
I had heard someone say regarding single moms, as long as your children have one stable parent – they will be okay. So that became one of my life goals – to be the stable parent.
And so once the gavel came down in the courtroom, I went to breakfast with my parents and then I returned home – I threw myself down on my bed and I cried my eyes out for 2-3 hours until there was a knock at the door. A dear friend was standing there with a coffee in her hands for me and she came inside and sat down on the couch. I literally sobbed on her shoulder. She cried with me and held me and was the arms of Jesus to me that day.
And then she needed to go because the kids would be home from school soon and I needed to pull myself together – I needed to attempt to be stable.
The next 6 weeks were a blur. My now ex-husband was away in another state and Christmas was coming and so he would return for Christmas. We celebrated that morning together as a “family” and he stayed for a very long time as the morning turned into afternoon. We had cinnamon rolls and played a family game and then he helped me out around the house with things that needed fixed and we began to talk.
Talks of reconciliation and remarriage began.
By February, he had moved back home and was sleeping in our finished basement.
You know that feeling when you are on the first hill of a roller coaster – a super steep one and it’s clicking as you go up…yeah – that’s how I felt. I wanted reconciliation but I was scared.
Over the next 7 weeks, we went to a counselor for the first time together, we met with my parents one on one to discuss our reconciliation, he came to a family get together and was welcomed back, we attended a new church together as a family, we looked at a new home to purchase to start over again and then he invited me and the kids to go on a spring break trip to his new home a few states away.
After a long flight with a lay over in one airport and then a 3 hour drive, we finally arrived to his new home. My brain was struggling to process what I was experiencing. I put on a brave face for the kids and tried to go with the flow but I was disoriented by seeing this new life he was living.
This is the part where the roller coaster is at the top of the hill and now we are flying down the other side. I figured you only have one life to live, so figuratively, I put my hands up and decided to embrace the moment and enjoy the ride.
We had a great week together. As the week went on, I began to love his new place. The weather was beautiful. The town was interesting. His new friends were nice. I experienced some adventures I had never experienced in my life time. He took us to fascinating places and my time with the Lord there was amazing.
But now here is where the roller coaster begins to twist and turn.
Something was still off with us. By God’s grace, in the most bizarre way – a discovery was made and it was evident his heart was farther from reconciliation than I had hoped.
Now we are upside down on the roller coaster and I want out.
And so we flew home – just me and the kids. For a few weeks there was confusion on his end, as he was torn between two worlds – two women. And then the phone call came…The roller coaster ride came to a screeching halt and this is where we both got off the ride.
I.was.devastated.again.
How did I let this happen? Again?
Am I too much?
Am I not enough?
Why are you not answering my prayers Lord?
My children! What about my children? I was not just fighting for me – I was fighting for them.
I had done absolutely everything I believed I could to reconcile. There was literally nothing left in me to give.
And so with no regrets, I moved forward letting him go…the grief process began as the slow fade of everything my husband and I had built for 19 years of marriage and 4+ years of dating, began to slip away.
Since then, the last three years between us has been a slow fade. There were talks of reconciliation a few more times – that I’d guess you would say turned out to be false starts. We have celebrated every Christmas morning together as a “family” and have done other special days together as a “family”.
Learning healthy boundaries has been difficult for me. My personality tends to be warm, inviting, optimistic, idealistic and trusting – so this has been a challenge for me to figure out what is appropriate – I’m still figuring this out even now.
In 2017, I found a godly counselor to walk along side me as I began to deal with my grief. She was a godsend! I saw her for about a year straight and now I only go to see her when I am in need of working through something new that I am encountering.
Though our separation and divorce was mostly peaceful -I want to be transparent and say that we have had our fair share of times of conflict and volatility in the last few years. It has not been a walk in the park. We’ve had some very ugly moments. Moments I don’t think could be avoided. It just is what it is.
As the kids grow older and parenting gets more challenging, co-parenting is not as smooth as I had hoped. He still lives in his home in another state but also has a home nearby where the kids visit him.
The children are no longer homeschooled. They are attending a local Christian School and thriving there…and only by God’s grace – somehow I am still standing and very stable.
But I have been through the valley of the shadow of death (Psalm 23:4). My journals are overflowing with thoughts of living in the light, while wrestling with the dark and so I pray that the pain and heartache that I have walked through over the last 5 1/2 years will not be wasted and can somehow be an encouragement to you.
So I’ll begin next time sharing my notes. And though I can’t tell all the stories from the last 5+ years – I wanted to share this part of my story as the context for Courtney’s Notes.
Until next time — Keep walking with the King.
Courtney
If you missed Part One titled: The Day My Marriage Died – you can read more >>here<<.
Courtney, thank you for sharing. I can’t imagine how difficult this has been, but I know that your priorities are right and I just want to encourage you to keep on keeping on. May the Lord continue to give you His wisdom, grace and mercy as you serve Him. May the Lord bless and keep Your children strong in Him and may He send you a good Godly man who will love and cherish you and walk alongside you and serve with you all the days of your life. Peace be with you !
For one brief moment I felt transported to a time too when I and my now x husband were in a somewhat similar boat.. in my case my husband was not a believer and skirt chased a lot during our marriage.. But like you I believed and hoped for a good thing.. But in the end I let him go and looking back for me and my then marriage.. it was not healthy emotionally and mentally.. And we too had been high school sweettarts and married for 23 years before the divorce was final.. Because in the end when all said and done.. He didn’t want to change nor give up the “other woman” at the time.. and God confirmed in my heart .. I had done all I could it was ok to let him go.. I did and now I am married to a great man and I couldn’t be more grateful to the Lord for making beauty from ashes..
That is so inspiring to hear you have moved on and are now happily married! I really believe my husband of 14 years was my soulmate, until he left me for another woman. The pain of his betrayal and also the cruel things he did to my daughter and I was hard to endure.
Luckily, I’m in a much healthier and more stable relationship now, with someone who is more communicative and much healthier ( in every respect) than my ex.
It’s still nonetheless hard for me to fully accept what happened.
Thank you for choosing to share what many of us have wondered about. While it was not our place to know, it is because we care so deeply for you, Courtney!
May God continue to always be your strength and comfort. His presence in your life is so evident.
Thank you for opening up and Sharing your personal story. It is encouraging to see someone cling to God during their trials. Even though my trials are different then yours, it is helpful to see how you handle your situation!
I honestly joined your mentorship because you were so transparent about what has happened. The same thing happened to me and there was no Christian woman out there I could have guidance on how to overcome such a devastating time in my life. My trust though was in Jesus alone and things are 100% much better a year in a half later. We are divorced with 4 kids all under 8 at the time. It ended because he wanted to be with the other woman as well. But I’m honestly happy now and it truly does get better in time as I’ve been told by others having gone through the same. Thank you for sharing the good and the bad… but whatever the enemy meant for bad God turns it for good! May God continue to protect your heart.
I’m so sorry you went through this. I am gaining so much encouragement from you as I now face this. Thank you for sharing.
Hello Courtney, I’ve followed you for many years and just wanted to say “Keep walking with the King!!!!” I’m praying you continue to enjoy the grace and peace that flows from God. You are loved, worthy and enough in Christ!! He loves you! “You are a stunning display of God’s grace” as Margaret Feinberg says. You’re telling your story and God is being glorified.
I didn’t have a relationship with God when my marriage went south. I was left with a 1 and 3 year old and thoughts of suicide after being told I wasn’t good enough. There were mornings I only woke up because the kids had to go to school. Then I found Jesus and discovered a whole new world of worth in myself through God’s eyes. Thank you for being so transparent because I know it will help others.
Courtney I praise God for you.
I also pray for protection over you and your children. Thankful with you for His faithfulness.???
You are so BRAVE sister.
Thank you Courtney! God Bless you! I am going through a separation right now as my husband chose another women as well. It hurts me especially because I haven’t been able to let go yet. We too were high school sweethearts and this would have been our 21st year together. Thank you for being such a Godly encouragement
Thanks for sharing your story. ❤️❤️❤️
The one thing that helped me be strong when he came back again after several attempts of reconciliation and failed promises, was “I have a daughter that’s watching my response.” Do I want her to learn to let someone go in and out of her life and keep her emotionally on a roller coaster. No way. I want her to show kindness but be strong in the Lord. Adapt and move forward. Close the chapter and start anew. I must set this example.
That’s been many years ago. I am now married to a very faithful man for 35 years.
Thanks for sharing! Be strong in the power and might of the Lord!
“I have a daughter that’s watching my response. Do I want her to learn to let someone go in and out of her life and keep her emotionally on a roller coaster.” is a relevant and powerful statement and question to that guided you well. We often make decisions to stay despite him being unfaithful or violent for the sake of the children having a stable home, having both parents together etc., but I found out the hard way that staying in a toxic relationship can be more harmful than good for our children. Once we see red flags, just leave, the earlier the better.
Hi Courtney I just read your story , and is so inspiring , I’m going through something different with my husband of 35 years .. and I’ve been wanting to find a good counselor . You mention you had the best , I was wondering if you can share her information for me to contact her .
Thank you so much .
Rosi